the distance

the distance

I was married almost fifteen years when I met the man I left the marriage for, and pursuing a new relationship with this man began in the midst of swirling turmoil. Add my two kids to the mix and now we’re talking compounded angst, failed expectations, and disappointment when trying to build something solid with this new person. 

I’d considered it an advantage that he didn’t have kids and hadn’t been married, due to his desire to pursue creative passions and projects; yet, when it came down to real life set-up, I found I needed someone who could be more engaged with the daily kid and life routine. And if that weren’t possible, at least more engaged with helping take care of our needs as a couple, with meals or other necessities. And he did try, but to me it was a drop in the bucket called NEED.

Because this man was struggling financially with his creative start-up projects, the money wasn’t there to add cushion to all of life’s staggering blows. And his focus was usually on getting the money, and because of his struggle, I many times felt like what I needed in the relationship wasn’t given, and he felt misunderstood and pressured by me. His frustration and uncertainty many times morphed into criticizing me. And I’d criticized him, too— plenty.

Little did I know it then, but we didn’t have a chance in hell. And hell is definitely where we were most days. I look back at that couple now and feel such a sense of compassion. We had so many wonderful elements in place— the kind of elements that seemed to really matter, like outlook on life, purpose, higher calling, all of that higher consciousness stuff. But what we found is that even with our mutual passion to live out our lives’ purpose, the most important elements of alignment weren’t there! How could this be?

I’d focused so much on the things my new partner and I had together (things I’d been missing in my former marriage), I didn’t keep a clear head about the fact my new partner and I needed to be financially solvent as individuals. This isn’t easy to do when you’ve been a stay-at-home mom for twelve years; I relied on the fact that the money in the bank account and other investments from my ex-husband’s job would pull me through, which is understandable, given I hadn’t been working out of the home, but finding a good job first—before making any big life changes—would have been much smarter.

Before you make any kind of major move forward with another person, make sure you both have the means by which to keep yourselves and your life financially sound. Yes, there is something to be said for blind faith, but not when it comes to money. Even if you have dreams of creating something new together, make sure you both already have the means to keep yourselves and your children afloat, so you don’t become an additional burden to one another.

Today’s resource is an article I read quite some time ago, and the solid advice still holds up. I will put the bullet points below, but please click the link to read the full article because it is GOLD.

1. Decide You Want It More Than You Are Afraid of It

2. Create a Series of Steps that Will Get You Where You Want to Go

3. Commit Now that You Will Live Beneath Your Means for the Rest of Your Life

4. Block Out the Spendthrifts in Your Life

5. Always Keep Your Career or Business Moving Forward

6. Vow to Always Save Money – No Matter What Your Income Is

7. Insulating Yourself in the Short Run – Creating a Safety Net

8. Invest Everything Above That

9. Invest No Matter What the Market is Doing

10. Diversify Your Investments

11. Diversify Your Income Sources Too

12. Shield as Much Income from Taxes as Possible

13. Get Out and Stay Out of Debt

14. Make Sure You Have Enough Insurance Coverage

15. Commit to Focusing on Your Goal Regularly