Sometimes we stay in a relationship to the point we’re sucked dry. Is it that we’re too needy or the other is too insensitive?

A recent podcast I listened to (Do You F*cking Mind podcast, episode 42, hosted by Alexis Fernandez), made the point we shouldn’t rely on our partner to have our needs met. I love this podcast, but I have to wonder about this comment. I mean, if her guy continuously walked through the door and treated her in a way in which her needs weren’t met, eventually, she’d move on.

But she makes a good point in saying the best kind of love flows from being secure within ourselves.  So it’s a mix of both— being sensitive to one another but also taking responsibility for our emotional health. It’s a tricky thing, balancing the needs of another with our own.

My ex lover rarely wanted to meet my needs. I was the one sending cards, or a letter, or a sweet note, or feeling sentimental, or asking for more tenderness, or saying I was sorry, yada, yada, yada. I can count on one hand the times he apologized to me. It really would have helped; instead he seemed to think conflicts were almost always my fault.

I was always looking for that one little action on his end that would tell me he loved me. This grew worse once we moved into a friendship. Now I see why: I made the mistake of ex sex, and that bonding, mixed with a looser commitment, resulted in even less of my needs met but more neediness. Toxic mix.

I was always looking for more tenderness, more validation in our friendship. I was the one considering his feelings, even in friendship, far more than he considered mine. Like a bone dry water well in the middle of a dried up field, I’d lower my bucket into the depths, only to pull the bucket up empty… again. No real affection or validation sent my way from him. I was always longing for more.

It’s so clear to me now, I should have left long before I did. When someone ignores your needs for that long, somehow you begin to believe it’s your fault, you’re wanting too much. Now I see I was used and he was selfish.

I’ve moved forward with my ex-husband and we’ve reconciled, which, of course, in my ex-lover’s mind, is lame, weak, needy and whatever else unhealthy. So the validation I craved from my ex-lover is never going to be there, no matter what, because now I’m with my ex-husband, the last person my ex-lover thinks I should be with. But what does he know about it? He wasn’t able to bend and meet needs in a relationship. Obviously, I reconciled because many needs are being met with my ex-husband. I know it’s not a typical solution, to reconcile with the ex-husband, but so far it’s been the right move for me.

According to this article, our core needs are non negotiable.

Successful relationships come down to basic questions about our core needs:

  • What do I need in a relationship in order to feel loved, happy, fulfilled, and secure?
  • What do you need in a relationship to feel the same?
  • Are you willing to meet my needs in this relationship?
  • Am I willing to meet yours?

Basically, this article reiterates what I’ve felt to be true! If someone is important enough to you, if you want your relationship to succeed, then you try to meet that person’s emotional needs.

It’s a quick read but a good one! Click here to read the article!

Of course we can’t expect our partner to fulfill our every emotional need. And it makes us a stronger person when we soothe ourselves instead of relying on someone else. But like everything else in life there’s got to be balance.

Read this next article written by Sheri Stritof on soothing our own needs while being mindful of our partner’s.

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