When I’d described to my therapist the friendship dynamic with my ex-love, she’d said, “The visual that comes to mind is a black hole, and you keep getting sucked into it.”

I had to agree… my continuous unmet communication needs would send me spiraling, spinning into the blackness.

The visual that came to me, later that night in bed, was me standing on an outside space station platform, tethered to the station, a black hole in the not-so-far distance. I decided, in order to keep myself from the danger of hovering the hole, or worse, being sucked into it, I wouldn’t need anything emotional from my ex-love any longer.

Well, that lasted for a week, until I “messed up” and wanted a ten minute texting convo with him when, instead, he needed chill time with Xbox. Side note: my therapist really didn’t understand how I couldn’t feel unimportant when in direct competition with Xbox for ten minutes, and Xbox wins. (At least it’s not just me…)

Needless to say, I spiraled into the black. Left alone once more, spinning in the dark with my own obsessive thoughts from feeling like a nuisance.

What I’ve realized from the drawn out mess of trying to be friends with my ex-love is that I couldn’t.

I’m big into higher consciousness thinking and accepting situations for what they are… yet when I was continuously disregarded by my ex-love, it took a toll on me. Even as a friend, I was a nuisance.

And what I realized was my desire wasn’t to be friends, it was to be in a relationship with him. But even friendship “give and take” couldn’t be implemented. So, yeah, I got the short end of the stick a lot, and, finally, I had enough. I was truly ready to let go.

I can’t sum up all the specific “whys” behind the unhealthiness with me and my ex-love. But I can tell you I already clued into the fact it had to do with me not setting proper boundaries for myself; hence, the post here.

Even now, it will take time for me to unravel it all because I do know that at the base of who my ex-love is and at the base of who I am, we both respect and love ourselves, so we should have been able to do the same for each other. He withheld a lot more emotionally than I did, however, and that caused a lot of problems in itself.

This next article on “how to let go,” starts with the premise that couples who can’t love and respect themselves first can’t love and respect each other… I don’t think that was our problem… yet we experienced the same amount of drama, as if it were the problem. I think it had more to do with our different attachment styles mentioned here.

This article goes into how we all need to continually let go, even in the healthy relationships we’re in, because nothing stays the same. Rather than desperately trying to re-create the past, it’s healthy to look forward to doing new things and becoming something different and hopefully better in the future, whether single or in a relationship.

What really struck me was the part of the post that gives examples of a toxic relationship and here was one of them:

“The more love you give, the more hurt and angry you become.

Because the drama is always calling the toxic relationship into question, the relationship demands all of your thought and energy. But then the relationship only punishes you further for this thought and energy, enabling a downward spiral of shittiness. Toxic relationships are black holes. Not only do they suck you deeper and deeper, but they have their own force of gravity. Any attempt to break away just stokes the drama flame further, which then sucks you right back to where you began.”

Unfortunately, it took me a long time to let go. And I hate to admit it, but this next part of the post resembles how I was for a long time:

“Similarly, people who are unable to accept the loss of their relationship will badger their ex and instigate drama with them to re-live the sensation of that relationship. But they need to create that drama again and again to keep that feeling alive.”

I could feel him letting go, more and more, and I just wanted to understand what went wrong and how to make it better again. But nothing moved him.

It’s such a relief to have finally let go and not try anymore to move him— toward anything.

The post closes with 5 ways to make loss easier, and they have all proved true for me. Click here to read the post, including the 5 ways to make loss easier.

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