Re-wiring our thought patterns after a breakup is challenging, YET imperative for creating a stronger, “better” version of ourselves. Sometimes we think things like, “I’ll go for a walk when I feel better,” or “I’ll work out when I’m not sad,” or “I’ll go to the store and buy my smoothie ingredients when I’m not so blue.” But what I’ve learned lately is we need to change our thoughts FIRST!

Our thoughts are energy that bring new actions that bring new ways of feeling and being in our lives. For example, you could try starting a positive affirmation journal and write your affirmation over and over again for that day until you fill up the page. Something like, “I am going to have a flatter stomach.” Or “Better things lie ahead for me in my future.” Anything that plants the seed for what you want in the future. Focus on that. Retrain your brain to focus on where you want to go rather than on the things you don’t want!

Instead of focusing on how your ex treated you badly, focus on visualizing the person you want to become. Then break it down into actions that will help get you there!

 

I spent y-e-a-r-s communicating with my ex-boyfriend on ways I wanted him to change his texting interactions with me when we were together and when we were just friends. I thought it was something he wasn’t conscious of, but no matter how much I pointed out what I needed, he wouldn’t change. Now I realize, if he wasn’t willing to change it when we were together, why would he when we were friends?

It was only after one incredibly painful texting exchange that I finally gave up. (Pop the confetti!!) During our friendship he texted me that he was at a restaurant where he and I went on one of our  getaway trips, when we were a couple, and I responded to that text, and he didn’t read it for hours.

How could he bring up a sentimental memory and not even check in for my response before we both moved on with our nights? (He’d always done this type of thing while texting me: pop in with a sentence or two, many times asking me how it was going, then disappear for hours. Timeline according to my ex. And if I commented on how long it took for him to check in, he’d say I was impatient.) If I took a poll here, I wonder how many would vote that he’s just inconsiderate.

When he texted about the restaurant that night and didn’t look at my response, I felt like shit. Obviously he’d moved on enough to throw that text at me and let me wonder about when he’d give two shits enough to read it. Didn’t matter it was from the restaurant on one of our first getaways. And I’m pretty sure he had his new girlfriend with him, not that it matters one way or another. 

This helped me dig deeper: since he’s not the right person for me, why was I putting myself through dealing with his inconsiderate texting patterns, even as friends? He shouldn’t have to change how he texts. And I shouldn’t have to change what I need in a relationship as far as someone being considerate with texting. And just for the record, if it were just the texting issue, it would not have been an issue for me. Feeling a lack of support from him in the relationship in general is what exacerbated the texting issue.

I am not a needy person, but our needs were different. And because he was incapable of giving what I needed, my neediness expanded and his distance grew. I will write another post on different types of attachments, but this post is staying focused on the fact I’ve finally accepted him for who he is! And I’ve finally moved on from communicating with him much at all; I’m breaking free of how his texting style made me feel like shit. It doesn’t mean I’m right and he’s wrong; it means we’re different, and I’m on my own side now, looking out for myself.

No one likes to be controlled. He felt I was controlling his texting interactions. I guess I was. But only because his style left me hanging for responses constantly, day after day, year after year. And countless times I rolled with it… only for it to continually keep happening. He got the easy route of usually blaming it on work. I mean, who can argue with the need to work?! But it happened in many more cases where work wasn’t the issue.

Regardless, it doesn’t matter! The lesson I’m trying to pass on here is when patterns that don’t work for you in the relationship don’t change, let the relationship go.

LET THE OTHER PERSON BE WHO HE OR SHE IS and YOU BE YOU! Just go your separate ways and wish each other well!

How liberating is that!!

Yes, it’s painful. It’s hard. But what’s more brutal and damaging is to continually feel like shit because you’re not taking care of yourself.

Holy hell, just recently I came upon (thanks to a Spotify search) this podcast Do You Fucking Mind: the host of this podcast is Alexis Fernandez who has a master’s degree in neuroscience.

I love her style— straight forward and authentic, and she explains the way the brain works in ways that help us live our best lives.

You want tough love that’s gonna help you change? Search it up and start listening! I wish I would have found this podcast sooner; she started it in 2020, I believe.

I’ll be honest… because of the fact she is considerably younger than me and in a different stage of life, I take what she says and run it through my life setup, to make it work for me. I just don’t think some of the realities in your thirties are the same when you’re in your forties or older, particularly when you have a family to think about too. BUT this does not mean make excuses… this means assessing what is important to you, what you value, along with being bold and taking care of yourself.

sidenote: it’s funny, I’m not sure if it’s in this episode or a different one, but she shreds anyone who tries to hurry her along with text responses and I have to say it helped me pull my head out of my ass once and for all and realize what I wrote above: that he shouldn’t have to change his texting patterns for me and if he doesn’t, he’s free to be him and I’m free to move on and be me.

Never Miss a Post!

Sign up and never miss another post from renecollier.com.